Secret Service; or Recollections of a City Detective Read online

  The bill-sticker lost no time in placarding the walls of the town; buthis functions had been largely anticipated by the disclosures of thetoll-bar keeper, Boniface, his boots, Bung, and his ostler.

  The town was set in a commotion. The Green Swan with Two Tails wascrowded in the bar-parlour, in front of the bar, and in every publicroom it had. Mr. Smith (I mean Mr. Horatio Mount-Stephen Fipps) receiveda dozen offers of professional assistance, two or three score ofrequests for the honour of making his acquaintance, letters innumerablefor his autograph, with other delicate and indelicate overtures ofgood-will and friendship,--all within a few hours. Mr. Fipps, after hehad returned to London, and been retransformed into "Smith," told me itwas the "jolliest spree" he had ever been engaged in during his life;and my man told me that the fictitious candidate played his part withthe skill of a genius.

  In the course of the morning a crowd assembled in front of the Swan withTwo Tails, and loud huzzas were heard in honour of "the independent" andnow "popular candidate." A speculative printer had, without orders,either in the excess of political zeal, or in reliance upon a carelessauditing of accounts, got another placard stuck upon the walls, whichread thus:

  "FIPPS FOR EVER!!!"

  The mob became towards afternoon a little impatient and uproarious, andthe candidate had to present himself on the balcony of the hotel, andharangue his admirers. I regret to say, no short-hand writer beingpresent, I cannot give the reader a report of this speech, which I amsorry for, because I have been told it was one of the grandest orationsof the kind ever uttered by a pretended or real candidate. However, letthat pass.

  Towards evening a deputation asked permission to wait upon HoratioMount-Stephen Fipps, Esq., to express their admiration of the principlesso clearly and exactly enunciated in his address, and so beautifullyillustrated and enforced in his most eloquent speech. Their request wasgranted with the utmost cordiality by that great man, and he supplicatedthem to do him the honour of dining with him.

  The hospitality of the Green Swan with Two Tails was, I am told, worthyof a more pretentious establishment; and ample justice was done, as thepenny-a-liners say, to the culinary skill of the hostess. Mine host'svintages were also duly appreciated, or at least I judge so by the itemsof account which I afterwards saw under the date of this entertainment.It is true that the good things bore familiar names; but thatcircumstance may rather be ascribed to the English character of thecandidate and his admirers, than to the limited capacity or means of thelandlord and his better half. Sherry and port and champagne--champagneand port and sherry--seemed to have been mingled in profusion withcigars that, in the aggregate, weighed a few score pounds, and were (Itake it from the price they cost me or my principal) the finest thatHavannah could produce.

  At this improvised banquet speeches were of course delivered, toastswere drunk, and songs were sang, until the _finale_,--a medley ofvariations from "Rule Brittania," "God Save the Queen," and "We won't goHome till Morning,"--which last chorus embodied a resolution that thepatriotic admirers of Fipps did faithfully perform.

  Out of this party a committee was formed by the sober men; for, let itbe observed, Smith--that is, I mean Fipps--kept faith by keeping soberwith a constant eye to results; and all now was expected to go onmerrily as a marriage-bell.

  The next day was spent very much as the previous one had been, exceptthat the third and popular candidate, as a matter of form, called upon anumber of respectable inhabitants, and went through the _role_ of acandidate's duties, such as shaking hands with one or two loungers infront of the hotel clad in soiled smock-frocks, kissing a few slobberingbabies, talking pleasantly to the voters' wives, and expoundingprinciples to the voters themselves.

  On this day the attorney of Mr. Twitch sent a note by hand to theattorney of Mr. Jollefat, proposing that these ravens should meet inconfidence, and without prejudice, to discuss a matter of importance toboth the candidates. Mr. Jollefat's legal adviser replied by assentingto the conference. They met. Fipps's candidature was the theme ofdiscussion. Twitch's attorney said he had telegraphed to Brookes's, andthe Reform, and to Mr. Coppock, but he could learn nothing about Fipps.He was not known to the party, and they thought he must be someadventurer, whose wealth, if it had any other than an imaginaryexistence at all, must be grossly exaggerated. Mr. Jollefat's attorneysaid that he had in like manner inquired at the Carlton, but could learnnothing about their opponent. The Liberal was discouraged; theConservative did not take the matter to heart. They were agreed thatnothing could be done to spoil the new candidate.

  My man went to a local printer and got some forms printed withcounterfoils, much after the manner of tradesmen's "delivery note-books"or bankers' cheques, the use of which will immediately be seen. He alsocontrived to make the acquaintance of a few leaders of the people,--whatthe French would call "men of action,"--not spouters or loudly boastingpartisans.

  On the evening of the second day after Mr. Fipps's arrival at N----, myman had a consultation with about half a dozen of the principal of thesemen, who may be called the heads of gangs of voters; persons whoregarded the franchise as a property to be sold in the market, like anyother commodity; except that this article called a vote must bepurchased by a candidate in retail quantities, in order that he mightsell them, as a constituency, in a lump or by wholesale. The result wasa compact or understanding, which I have no doubt would have beenfaithfully kept by the vendors. These men always keep faith with theirpurchaser, if no other candidate, supposed to have still a heavierweight of metal with which to solve their honesty, should arrive on anysubsequent night between the date of the arrangement with them and theday of polling.

  This part of the business requires to be explained with much precision,or the reader may not perhaps observe the central point or pivot of theGreat Electioneering Trick which it is my intention now to explain.

  My man had occasion to address one of the vendors of the franchise tothe following effect. He explained that the law against bribery wasrather severe; and Horatio Mount-Stephen Fipps, Esq., was a gentleman ofextremely delicate sensibilities, whose honourable feelings would recoilfrom venality; and that if there were no law on the Statute-book oramong the precedents for its punishment (which indeed there was), allmust be free and above board,--or at least it must be made to appear soto the eyes, not only of policemen, or judges, or ParliamentaryCommissioners, or other judicial officers, but also to that mostupright, righteous, and wealthy man, the "popular candidate" himself.The agent went on to say that he came down to the town with thegentleman whom he had the honour to serve. He could not have supposedthat the state of the borough would have entailed upon him the necessityof doing things which he saw were essential to the success of Mr. Fipps,but yet, being in it, he was determined to go on and secure a triumphfor the distinguished and generous-hearted man he represented at thatinterview. As for money, that did not matter. Mr. Fipps was rich enoughin all conscience. Any thing they might have to pay would not hurthim--not a bit of it; but his character must be above reproach at theclubs and in his own eyes. One way out of the difficulty, my man went onto observe, had occurred to him, and he had already resolved to pursuethat course, or to withdraw his candidate at once before any money worthmentioning had been spent; because although it was true Mr. Fipps hadenough, and more than enough, for every necessity, he did not likesquandering it, and losing the object of his ambition also. At thissuggestion of the removal of the candidate and his cash-box, the leadersof the people looked somewhat blank or alarmed. They said a man like Mr.Fipps was sure to win if he went the right way about it, and theythought it a pity he should run away after the handsome manner in whichhe had been treated by all classes.

  Some further parleying took place, when it was agreed that late at nightthe several leaders of the people should, one by one, take my man roundto the residences of the free and independent electors who were inreality to be bribed, and that that operation should be colourably donein the way arranged.

  A contract was made with ea
ch elector that he should fill the post offlag-bearer, messenger, check-clerk, polling-clerk, or something orother, and should receive 10_l._ at the close of the election for sodoing. He was guaranteed payment of that money to his perfectsatisfaction, by a printed form of engagement, or an agreement in law,on a slip of paper, signed by my man with his bold clear autograph, andon the stump counterfoil of which the lured voter wrote his name or madehis mark (+). Just by way of a present balm to each hired elector, thesum of 5_s._ was given him when his engagement was effected.

  Next day the nomination took place. Mr. Twitch, the Whig candidate, wasreceived with derisive shouts, and a greeting of missiles. Mr. Jollefatfared no better, and in his heart of hearts cursed the borough, withthat ambition or folly which had induced him to enter the lists as acandidate; and he stopped at the conclusion that of all the vanitieswhich have marked humanity since the days of Solomon, nothing equalledthat of desiring to be the representative in Parliament of such a freeand independent constituency as the borough of N----.

  Mr. Horatio Mount-Stephen Fipps was the hero of the day. If any thingchecked the outpouring of his eloquent tongue, it was the rapidappreciation of his audience, which overtook the completion of hissentences. They cheered, and shouted, and hurrahed, and made everyconceivable, and, to the reader, many unconceivable demonstrations ofaffection for his person, and of admiration for his principles. But forthese exuberant manifestations of attachment and devotion, I certainlymight give the reader a splendid specimen of what a speech on thehustings may be. The hurrahs and the huzzas broke up Mr. Fipps'sarguments, and the coruscations of his eloquence into fragments. Let itsuffice to say, it was a brilliant and a grand speech.

  On the show of hands being called for, a few were held up for Mr.Twitch, a few more for Mr. Jollefat, and a whole forest of upliftedpalms testified their desire to have Horatio Mount-Stephen Fipps as themember for N----. The returning officer, of course, declared the choiceof the electors, by an open vote, to have fallen upon that honourablegentleman, and a poll was demanded by each of his antagonists.

  The most important thing to be now effected was an escape from the town.This was not in reality a very easy thing, although to the readernothing may perhaps appear more easy of accomplishment. By this timeevery body in the place knew the three conspirators, and neither the"candidate," nor his two immediate associates, were often left aloneduring five consecutive minutes. To quit the place by either of theordinary roads, in the ordinary way, would have been likely to excitesuspicion. To have moved off singly, but simultaneously, by threedifferent roads, would have excited less suspicion perhaps, but wouldhave been more damnatory if discovered. To move off other thansimultaneously would have been to peril, perhaps, the lives, andcertainly to have perilled the chastisement, of one or two who mightremain after the flight of one had been ascertained.

  Detection was, moreover, a thing likely, under any circumstances, tofollow rapidly on the retreat. My man had noticed the presence of atleast half a dozen strangers in the camp of the enemy. These strangershad a knowing look, and wore a metropolitan aspect. He suspected them ofbeing spies upon us. Mr. Fipps's antecedents might, for any thing wepositively knew to the contrary, have been ascertained, and become knownto the Liberal candidate, whose game he was trying to spoil, althoughthat gentleman and his friend might not deem it expedient (if they couldnot exactly prove the connexion between the party of Fipps and that ofMr. Jollefat) to explode the fiction of the former's candidature.However, get away they must, and that before the polling of to-morrow,or they would not get away until too late.

  It was part of my design that the scheme should explode, and that thematch should be applied at this exact point of the scheme.

  We had arranged to keep the poll open for Fipps, notwithstanding hisflight. No official notice of the abandonment of his candidature wastherefore served upon the returning officer.

  In fact, although Fipps ran away, Fipps must still be a candidate. Ourhead lawyer thought that necessary, and also thought it wise to poll oneman at least for the runaway.

  After deliberation, it was arranged between the intended fugitives thatmorning should be chosen for their flight, and that they should fly incompany. After the nomination, high revelry had been kept at the GreenSwan with Two Tails. Every section of the community of N---- had itsrepresentation there: the lower orders being provided for in rooms, andwith refreshments suited to their tastes, while the topsawyers andmunicipal notabilities who had attached themselves to the popular andwinning cause of Fipps, were being entertained in a better room of thehouse. Fipps himself, and my man and the attorney, being in the companyof the latter, carefully guarded against any thing like excess. Theywere the only prudent people in the lot. This revelry lasted through thenight, and until morning. Mine host himself, knocked up by fatigue andpotations, retired to an uneasy couch. The hostess had snatched a littlerest, and resumed charge of the house while her lord slumbered. As forMr. Fipps, my man, and the attorney, they contrived to disentanglethemselves from their supporters about three in the morning, understrong protestations of anxiety for the welfare of those gentlemen, whowere urged, for appearance' sake and their own health's sake, to retirehome and get a few winks of sleep, and come refreshed in the morning tothe poll. By this means the multitude surrounding the candidate, excepthis two confidants, were got rid of. So far good.

  About six in the morning, Fipps,--oppressed with an imaginary headacheand sense of fatigue; my man, in like condition; and the attorney, in asimilar state,--called for soda-water with a dash of brandy, and began,in the presence of the hostess, to bewail their unfitness to go throughthe labours of the approaching struggle. My man suggested that it mightbe as well to take a stroll, if they could get out quietly and not havea rabble at their heels. They asked if that were possible. The landladyconsented to let them out by a back-door across a meadow which formedpart of her lord's tenancy, where they could strike off into someby-lanes, and get what they so urgently needed--"a breath of fresh air."This suited admirably. My man had already taken soundings of the roads,and knew that by this means the party could walk or run off a distanceof only five miles, and meet an up-train to London at the ---- Station ateight o'clock a.m.

  Not a soul was astir on the outskirts of the town, save here and there arustic labourer walking to his toil or engaged thereon--rude, unletteredmen, without political thought or character, who took no interest in thegreat struggle at the borough of N----, and who cared to do no more thanreturn the salutation of "Good morning" to the gentlemen wayfarers.

  The absence of Mr. Fipps and his agent and attorney was soon discovered,and it was at once suspected to have a sinister object. This notionspread like wildfire throughout the whole borough, and a scene ofexcitement ensued which literally beggars description; nothing has everequalled it in electioneering development. The Green Swan at one timeran great risk of utter demolition. A few innocent people, suspected ofparticipation in the fraud, were punished by the mob, who must have avictim or two, and who wreaked their vengeance upon suspects in theabsence of those real delinquents that by this time were safelyproceeding southwards to the great metropolis in the train which theyhad met.

  The windows of Mr. Fipps's hotel were broken. The remonstrances of thelandlord were not believed by a large portion of the crowd, although,for that worthy's reputation, it may be stated a large contingent ofthe rioters did put faith in his asseverations.

  The committee-room was broken into and ransacked, and no little glee wasexcited when the strong-box was discovered. A fitful gleam of savagehope took possession of the discoverers. They thought for a moment theyhad grasped a treasure, and the prospect of a grand loot cheered theirhearts. This discovery also soon got communicated to the crowd outside.There was a demand that the box should be brought out into theMarket-place, and its contents distributed fairly amongst them. Withmuch difficulty the ponderous chest was carried down-stairs and into thestreet. For a while the lock withstood all efforts to break it open; butat length a smith came,
with tools that would have almost battered downthe gate of a fortress. With this effective aid the hasp was fracturedor detached, and the lid of the mysterious box was lifted. To theirsurprise and astonishment, carefully embedded in sawdust were found--notthe sovereigns that were to have compensated the various messengers,flag-bearers, check-clerks, poll-clerks, &c., &c., &c.; but--do notstart, gentle reader, in amazement--ten solid lumps of fine Scotchgranite, which had been diverted from their legitimate purpose (that offorming part of the roadway in Oxford Street) to the unhalloweddesecration of the free and independent electors of N----. Shouts ofderision, and anathemas both profound and deep, were uttered;imprecations of the direst were showered on the whilom popularcandidate; and it may be accepted as a fact that, if Mr. Fipps, or hisattorney, or my man, had fallen into the hands of that enraged crowd,his legal representatives would have been entitled to make a claim onthe offices in which he had insured his life.

  The retreat of Fipps and the discovery were themes of merriment; butperhaps in no part of the borough was the joke or trick so much relishedas in the committee-room of Mr. Jollefat, our real candidate.

  It should be also stated, for the reader's information--and he isparticularly requested to notice--that the general postal delivery fromLondon conveyed to each of the central committee-rooms of Mr. Fipps'srivals an oblong packet, addressed to each of the remaining candidatesby name, and to their agents, and to all others whom it might concern,giving them formal notice that the men whose names were included inlists which were enclosed in the communication (being free andindependent electors of N----) had disqualified themselves from votingat the present election, by having accepted offices of emolument, underbinding legal contracts with one of the candidates.

  In consequence of this notice the poor wretches who had entered into theengagements mentioned with my man were unable to sell their votes andconsciences to Mr. Twitch, if he had been inclined to buy them; because,if he had bought up the tainted electors, he would thereby have insureda petition against his return, with the certainty that his rival would,by a scrutiny, unseat him. The returning officer received a similarletter and a similar list.

  The poll being kept open under these circumstances, the general resultmay be pretty well ascertained by the reader's imagination; but, forhis particular information, I may state that the numbers announced bythe returning officer were:

  Jollefat 209 Twitch 64 Fipps 1

  The consequence was, that the first-named gentleman was duly returned,and took his seat, and was for a period of several years theunchallenged representative of the borough of N----. It is fair to saythat he was returned, at a comparatively small cost, by a large majorityof the honest suffrages of the decent men of the borough. My man, Ibelieve, had succeeded in disqualifying for once all the corruption ofthat notorious place.

  The landlord of the Green Swan was of course very glum over hismisfortunes. He managed to get his broken glass and other damagerepaired at the expense of the Hundred; but he had given up all chanceof recovering his debt from Mr. Fipps, when he received a letter from awell-known political solicitor of Westminster, stating it was not thedesire of Mr. Fipps that any person's honest claim should gounsatisfied; and that if mine host would make out his account andforward it to him, it should be examined, and if found correct besettled. The account was duly rendered, and on being scrutinised oraudited was deemed excessive. Two-thirds of the total amount--that is tosay, 100_l._--was remitted him; and, although 50_l._ was thus knockedoff, I have solid reason for believing he did not fare ill by thecandidature of Horatio Mount-Stephen Fipps.

  One little circumstance none of us had anticipated now arose, to ourembarrassment. The payment of that bill of the landlord of the GreenSwan told the story of Fipps's purse with approximate accuracy. Mr.Jollefat, the successful candidate, was now suspected by many people ofbeing near the bottom of my Great Trick. To get at him, however, it wasnecessary to track and attack Fipps, which, I am sorry to say, thedisappointed free and independent electors who could not vote at thelate election succeeded in doing. How they discovered him is to me asecret at this day; but they certainly did somehow find him out, andthey assaulted him by a battery of writs issued out of her Majesty'sCourt of Common Pleas, at Westminster. A counsel learned in the lawadvised that we had a good defence to these actions, on the ground thatthe agreements for service were contracts to pay money either to inducemen to vote--which was bribery--or not to vote, which rendered theengagements null and void. About the first point I believe there couldbe no doubt; around the second I believe there did exist much room forspeculation and legal ingenuity. Mr. Jollefat, however, wished to avoiddiscredit with his constituents; so it was thought expedient to get ridof the difficulty by another mode. Fipps was a man of cosmopolitantastes, and he had not the phrenological organs of locality andadhesiveness largely developed. It mattered not much to him on whichside of the Atlantic or of the Pacific he dwelt. Somebody on hisbehalf, an attorney, intimated to the solicitor for Mr. Jollefat that itwould be cheaper to "square" Fipps than to submit to the game processall the voters and their actions. One hundred pounds was the sum namedas one that would take the eloquent and popular candidate beyond thejurisdiction of her Majesty's judges and officers. The amount wasprovided, and he quietly set sail, or rather took steam, for the UnitedStates of America, where, I am told, an ample scope and opportunity forthe exercise of the peculiar abilities of that popular candidate hasalways been found in the service of the various parties who divide thespoils of the Model Republic.